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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

The Best Relationship Advice Article You'll Ever Read... Part 2

Welcome back!

If you read Part 1 and were able to filter through my rambling to get to the point, you realized that my only piece of advice for dating was:  Be Yourself.

Nope, not glamorous.  Not going to sell a bajillion magazines or generate frackjillions of page clicks, and that's why no one else tells you that.  Except your mother.  She totally knows her stuff.  You're awesome.  Don't forget that.

Anywho, now that you've found "the one" and they're totally okay with your tiny booties and vintage midget porn, and you're cool with their weird obsession with Pokemon or whatever - what now?


So... no matter how "you" you behave, there are always going to be things you camouflage around new people, specifically people you might like to touch your dangly bits at some point.  Thing is, no one really needs to know if you pick your boogers on the toilet or what exactly your shave/wax routine is... some things NEED to be sacred.  Your significant other shouldn't be offended if you leave the room to bust ass, or if they totally believe that you just naturally have no hair on 98% of your body and suddenly discover an entire closet filled with razors, wax strips, and Dremel tools.  

This goes for men AND women, straight, gay, or otherwise.  Tip:  we might like to think of gay and lesbian couples being all proper and fabulous all the time, but I'm pretty sure they grow hair in unsightly places, and fart, too.  Granted, their farts might result in an eruption of lavender-scented glitter rather than the putrid death that breeder-butts emit, but let's not got caught up in ridiculous stereotypes about people.  That would just be stupid.

I'm just going to leave this here.

Anywho, as long as the two of you are open with each other about the big stuff, the little stuff shouldn't matter.  People need one or two things they keep to themselves, lest they and their partner become some hybrid, two-headed being that finishes each other's sentences and can't seem to function without both "halves" present.  But Sandra, love and warts and all - NO.  Some warts don't need to be known.  Unless they're real warts, and they're contagious, then you should probably, um... both go get tested.

On a related note...


It's true.  But I've always kind of had to wonder about people who seem to have no boundaries when it comes to bathroom time, barging in a brushing their teeth and telling you about their HALO tourney while holy bananacakes can I not just have FIVE F*CKING MINUTES TO MYSELF HERE???  

*Ahem.*  Sorry, where was I?  Ah, bathroom bargers.  People, there's a reason that bathrooms have a door.  And locks.  It's because it's a safe place where people go to do nasty, nasty things and not have to worry about others thinking less of them for it.  I know, a lot of couples are completely comfortable doing their potty nasties in front of each other, but come on - what's really sacred after that?  But Sandra, real couples share everything - STOP.  No, I do not need to watch you poop to know that you love me and are willing to share everything with me. NO.  Buy me a f*cking card, we're good. 

Also, ladies - I'm not one to advocate hiding things from your significant other, but when Aunt Flo comes a-callin, keep that bitch under wraps as much as humanly possible.  Cupboards - you have cupboards and drawers - hide those lady products away like you've just broken bad and the Lady Parts Mafia is after your stash.  I don't know why, but men - who can watch people explode and giant pimples being popped and, well, you get the idea, on repeat and then excitedly call their buddies over to watch the carnage with them - get all weird and squirrelly when "lady things" are so much as even mentioned.  It's not pretty for anyone.  Just... just don't.

      I...I just... can't understand how it's still alive.


Shit's about to get real, dear readers.  Ladies, listen up.  Men, you can *accidentally* leave this open on the desktop and then look at it all disgusted and pretend I don't know what I'm talking about when your lady mentions it to you.  You can tell her you left it up so you could laugh about how silly it is later.  It's okay.  You and I know that she'll still remember some of the things I say and you'll be happy you left this here.  I'm just going to have a little conversation with your woman.  Go on now.

Psssst.  You're welcome.

Okay ladies, you see that big hunk of man-meat sitting across the room from you?  Yea, the one that just sniffed his fingers after he scratched his crotch and is now wrapping those fingers around the tv remote?  There are a few things he wants you to know but can't tell you.  Are you ready?  He's not just a pretty face and irresistible rear-end stuffed in denim (or khakis, whatever).  He feels.  He cried when Old Yeller died. It hurt his feelings when you laughed at him and he had to say he got something in his eye. Something manly, like sawdust or a pickax.  And don't act like the sensitive tough guy thing isn't a total turn on, because, Jax Teller:

...and the sound of ovaries exploding was heard 'round the world.

So you know how it bothers you when you change your hair or spend all day cleaning and the extent of his response is, "Cool story, bro?"  That's how he feels when he spends all day at work and, rather than seem at all excited or happy to see him, all you have to say is, "the toilet's clogged and there's shit all over the bathroom floor.  Also the trash is full, so... yea."

It may seem small, but let me break this down.  Women are naturally more verbal.  We were raised being coddled and told what pretty, pretty princesses we are, and how much our feelings matter. When our feelings are hurt, we feel more comfortable saying, "hey! validate me!" because that's what society expects.  Men, on the other hand, were raised being told that feelings are for girls and "I was fighting in the gol-damn WAR by the time I was 3!  You think you've got it hard?  Quit whining, you f*cking pansy!" So, when men's feelings are hurt, their initial, ingrained response is, "suck it up, you f*cking pansy."  And they do - until the opportunity arises where they can release all that hurt in a "manly" way, and this is why men do stupid things (sorry, guys).

You'll note that this show was NOT created, "acted" in, or hosted by Jennifer Aniston.

Also, apparently all men were raised by R. Lee Ermey.

So ladies - DON'T be the reason your man lets his buddies bash his balls in with a mallet.  Welcome him home, ask him how his day was, fill his drink.  Do some of the things for him that you expect him to do for you.  He's happy, you're happy, his balls are still intact - it's a win-win.


Okay ladies, don't get pissed at me just yet - hear me out.  I once asked my now-ex-husband if my ass was getting bigger (I was pregnant), just so I could get mad at him.  I knew it was a trap.  I knew there was no right answer.  I even told him to be honest, and I wouldn't get mad.

I got mad.

Anyway, I mention that story because I realized how stupid it actually was.  I made a point to avoid obvious-trap situations like that since then, but I see it ALL. THE. TIME. with other women.

"Do you think she's pretty?"
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
"Does this haircut/outfit/something on the body make me look bad?"
"Would you like it if I had bigger boobs/a bigger butt?"

Ladies - DO NOT ask these questions.  Questions like these are why we can't have nice things. Questions like these are why women are categorically thought to be insane and unbalanced.  THIS is why we still haven't had a female President, because WHY THE F*CK would ANYONE want to give the power to NUKE THE ENTIRE WORLD to someone who asks loaded questions like this?  

Wrong answer, asshole!  Say goodbye to China!

There are no right answers for these questions and you know it.  ANY answer your significant other gives is going to result in World War 3.  

Men - if your significant other asks any of these questions, well... your best bet: that my Mom calling?

 To be Continued.... Kind of...  Stay tuned for another hilarious installment of the Best Relationship Article You'll Ever Read.  If you find yourself wandering aimlessly in the meantime to find something to do, drop me a comment below, find me on Facebook, and tell your friends!

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