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Tuesday, August 25, 2015

The Best Relationship Advice Article You'll Ever Read... Part 1

To be fair, I'm probably not the foremost expert on dating, since my entire adult life has consisted of two long-term relationships.  My first marriage ended in divorce, so... there's that.

Still, in my almost 33 29 years, I've found it nearly impossible not to question the insanity that is the world of dating advice, from the Internet to those airbrush-laden magazines that line the checkout at the grocery store.  A quick Google search reveals all kinds of "advice," its relevance ranging from "well, der," to "who the f*ck do they get to write this shit and why do they hate humanity so much that they want to end it through systematic relationship sabotage??"  Most of them, if put into any kind of collective idea, boil down to, "DO NOT, by any means, or for any reason, be yourself, you pathetic, prude loser."

Resistance is futile.  Unless you want your fate to be "Crazy Cat Lady."  Don't forget to like us on Facebook, loser!

But never fear, dear readers, because here I am once again with a giant steaming dose of non-moronic reality.

I've noticed that for every ridiculous article that exists telling women to laugh at his non-funny jokes and touch her neck to make him think about humping her leg as they walk out of the restaurant, there are just as many articles telling men to say her name repeatedly like a stalker-bot and listen intently until she feels all squirmy and uncomfortable under his gaze.

Can we... can we just talk about this?  As someone with a minor social anxiety, even I can't understand why someone would need someone else to tell them how to make someone like them.  There's another problem - why would you want to make someone like you?  Either they do, or they don't.  Can we also address this whole concept of false advertising?  There's nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward, first impressions and all that jazz, right - but seriously - are you going to ask for or accept a date and then send your hot sister/hot brother in your place?  Because that's pretty much what you're doing when you go above and beyond the call of duty to transform yourself into the person you wish you could be rather than the person you really are.

   Nailed that Pinterest contouring tutorial.  Humaning is hard.

But I digress.



Basically, there are 3 stages of attraction:
  1. "Look at that ass/rack/them guns/dat face/dem lips, etc., etc., etc."  Okay, so not all of us are that crass, but if we're being honest, physical appearance is the first thing we notice about anyone.  It could be the way they walk, their smile, the way their hair falls - doesn't matter - it's absolutely the first thing we notice, because generally we see the people we speak to before we speak to them.
  2. "Holy crap!  They knit booties for tiny dogs, too!"  I'm not judging.  To each his or her own.  Point is, finding things in common.  This works for friends too, only it's usually more along the lines of, "OMG, I totally hate that bitch, too!  Squeee!"  ... or something like that.
  3. "This person... is AMAZING."  All the weird habits they have that others think are annoying, you love.  All the things that person hates about themselves, you find adorable.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because this giant, obnoxious weirdo is YOURS.  Love is weird.  
So the funny thing actually is, if you want to find "the one," don't you want to find "the one" who isn't immediately turned off by your tiny bootie knitting (still not judging) and thinks it's the cutest. thing. ever when you laugh so hard you snort?  Don't you kind of want to know that right away, not a year after you've both convinced each other that you're Adonis and Athena and one of you happens upon a now-totally-weird collection of teeny-tiny knitted booties underneath a stack of vintage midget porn?

....happy birthday?

Stay tuned for Part 2  (updated - there it is - you're welcome!), and while you're waiting, check out my Facebook page for updates and random yet hilarious memes.  I won't call you a loser, I promise.  I think you're great.
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