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Saturday, August 30, 2008

Conspiracy Theory #eleventy-seven - Evil Thoughts

There comes a time in even the nicest person's life where someone pisses you off to the point where you spend ridiculous amounts of hours plotting revenge.

Myself, I have wonderful mental images that will pop up even when I'm talking to a person that annoys me. Sometimes they come at random times completely unannounced, and I float off into my happy place at very unfortunate times.

This is why I am not allowed to operate heavy machinery.

So, here are the top five diabolical scenarios that have popped into my head about people.

1. Driving off a cliff into a lake full of alligators. And pirhanna. And eels.

Think about it. More than likely they'll survive the crash. They'll crawl out of the car, thinking they're swimming to safety, when - *ZAP!*


Then the pirhanna - *nibble nibble nibble nibble nibble*

Then comes the alligator - *CRUNCH!*



2. The monster wedgie.

This could happen any number of ways. My favorite is a crane hook coming from a construction site while said irritating person in walking nonchalantly down the street. Perhaps they're whistling a nice little tune, thinking about little fairies and sunflowers.

*beep beep beep*


3. Bob Saget/Full House marathons.

Sure, some people like the show. And it's ok, in small doses. But think about being tied to a chair for days on end with your eyes toothpicked open and your head secured to look only at a television screen showing nothing but that irritatingly syrupy sweet 80's hit show - commercial free.

*How wude!*
*you got it dude!*
*I love you Uncle Jesse!*


4. Tom Jones.

Along the lines of that last one, I'm sure that there are people who love Tom Jones in all his innuendo laced disco glory. Do you know any of them? Yea, me either.

Picture the last one with the chair, without the toothpicks, and add very heavy headphones and a cd player stuck on repeat with no shut off button and no volume control.

*It's not unusual...*
*What's new pussy cat...*
*piercing scream*


5. Perfect Paranoia is perfect awareness.

I'm sure you have no clue as to the revenge plot behind this one - I'd be more than happy to explain.

First I would find a way to implant a tiny microphone into the collar of every shirt, jacket, and robe they owned. Maybe even going so far as to superglue one behind their ear while they slept.

Getting an idea here?

I'd whisper insane little nothings in their ear at all hours of the day and night, until they go so insane they subject themselves to Tom Jones and Full House marathons.

Whatcha doin?

"Who was that?"

This is your conscience.

"What the - "

If you build it, they will come.

"If I build what?"

Taste the rainbow.

*smacks themselves in the head a couple times* "What?"

Take me to your leader.

"Is this some kinda trick? Dude, this isn't funny."

So you like to see homos naked dude, that's cool, whatever.


What's new pussycat? Whoa ooh whao oohwhoa oh...


I could go on for days, but I'll leave it at that.

So there you have it, number eleventy-seven. The sad thing about my being able to blog is that it opens the world up to the frightening way mind mind works.

What's even scarier - that ain't the half of it.

Until next time...
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