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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Conspiracy Theory #652 - Writer on the Loose

Alright, for all my conspiracy theories regarding everything and everyone else in the world, I thought it might finally be time to turn my highly-tuned *cough* insight on myself.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have too good a memory for the retarded, redundant, or just plain insane - even though I'd forget my own name if it wasn't embroidered in my underwear.

Okay, I made that up, but it made you wonder for a second there, didn't it?

So, just for the sake of playing fair and proving that it's all in good fun, here are the top 3 reasons why it's dangerous to spend much time with or around a writer.

1. Have you ever read a blog, story, blurb, or anything else and wondered, "...are they talking about me...?" Odds are, if you know the writer and the shoe fits - YES.

2. It should go without saying that if you drunkenly (or otherwise):

  • miss your chair (and by "you" I mean "I"),
  • state matter-of-factly that your butt is "too big to miss your chair",
  • dirty dance with an appliance,
  • sneak up on a fly just to shoo it away,
  • use air freshener as a deodorant and feminine spray,
  • engage in insightful conversation with your table (not the people AT the table - the actual table),
  • wear someone else's boxers on your head and strike superhero poses for the camera as "Captain Underpants",
  • crawl in from the front porch and stuff your face in a butter dish,
  • pick a carburetor up out of the floor and seriously ask who "dropped this",
  • drive 90 miles an hour down the wrong side of the road,
  • piss off a cop so badly that you wind up with your faceprint permanently embedded in your car hood,
  • get hit on by someone (or several someone's) of the same sex - even though you're not gay,
  • attract every midget in a tri-state area,
  • steal your sister's car but only make it 3 feet from where the car was originally parked,
  • adopt a gay man's cat and rename it "Pookie",
  • make a 500 gallon cup of lemonade and expect no one to say anything,
  • tape spiders into holes in the wall,
  • offer someone else's wife money every 5 minutes to see her boobs, then give her the money even though she won't,
  • hit on a dog because it's the only female in the place who's paying attention to you,
  • mushroom stamp bald guys "just because it's funny", even though you're the most homophobic person on Earth,
  • slap your testicles in another guy's hand on a dare,
  • make me biscuits and mustard AND blueberry waffles just because I drunkenly (and jokingly) ask for them - and THEN pose for pictures with them,
  • make out with a stuffed California Raisin,
  • pee outside even though an indoor bathroom is readily available,
  • try to start serious debates about the nature of the orgasm (and not making any sense whatsoever),
  • are unable to stand in one place even though your feet aren't actually moving,
  • go on a boobie grabbing spree and then swear it never happened,
  • offer to be "a prop" in someone else's *cough* home movies,
  • trust me with a pool stick even though I've made it clear that things get broken when I play pool (surprisingly, several people are guilty of this one),
  • tell me you can't feel your nose while you're touching mine,
  • blatantly make fun of a complete stranger in the middle of the ghetto,
  • fart on random animals,
  • fart on my daughter's head and then laugh hysterically when she says "EWWW YOU POOPED!",
  • spear houseflies with paperclips and perform a puppet show with them,
  • tap dance down the walkway into a hospital,
  • make cat-hissing noises when someone enters the room and then spontaneously and creepily ask "GOT MILK?",
  • flash people, even though they really, really, don't care to see it,
  • ask me every 5 seconds if you're "cute yet," or if you can "take advantage of me yet,"
  • tell me (and every other attractive female in the place) that you'd "run through hell with gasoline soaked boxers" just to get close to us - and then expect us not to laugh at the thought of you naked and on fire,


  • do or say pretty much anything that I think is funny, stupid, embarrassing, or incriminating - will more than likely hear or read about it later. Repeatedly.

3. I'm generally a nice person, hard to make angry, who doesn't usually believe in grudges or getting even - but if you piss me off - I mean really, really, do something above and beyond all concept of indecent or horrid, don't be surprised if you play a staring role as the deformed, evil-yet-stupid villain in a blog or story. At the very least, expect an unflattering caricature with certain body parts reversed.

So there you have it - the frightening truth of the Internet revolution, where unknown amounts of people can be held captive to anyone's mindless banter, and just think - they could be reading about you....

Scared? You should be. *evil laugh*

If I don't hear from some of you for a while, I understand.

Until next time...

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