dEAR WORLD:
FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT SCREAMING AT YOU - I THINK MY BLOGGER IS SO APPALLED AT MY PRESUMPTION AT TRYING TO POST SO LONG AFTER NOT POSTING THAT IT'S REBELLING IN THE ONLY WAY IT KNOWS HOW - unrelenting, UNNECESSARY CAPS LOCK. SERIOUSLY, GUYS, I CAN'T TURN IT OFF.
I HEAR YOU BLOGGER, I HEAR YOU. (WE ALL DO. HA)
Secondly, let's address this twilight zone episode we're all unwittingly living in at the moment, shall we?
so, it's not bad enough that we're reenacting a tom clancey novel and battling a deadly pandemic in the throes of all the rest of the world's insanity. in an epic move completely typical of our country, america took its cue and responded to the news of covid-19 by... buying up all the toilet paper?
can... can someone explain this to me, please?
???
i had to explain to my teenagers, as i handed out split paper towel rolls and sanitary wipes, that the stores had been stripped of even the 1-ply rolls of toilet paper that you buy between paydays when you scrounge together loose change you've shaken out of your furniture and vehicle crevices.
but why, they asked- and i was just as vexed as they were. i shrugged and mumbled a quiet, "'Murica," and left it at that.
oh, but then came the empty shelves where the bleach, lysol, hand sanitizers, hand soaps, and various other cleaning/sanitation supplies once sat. then went the bread, milk, eggs, etc.our local walmart started looking desolate, and it began to feel like a cast off episode of the walking dead just scanning the aisles for what was leftover that i could throw together to feed a football team worth of teenagers.
the employees became jumpy and a request for smoked sausage prompted a panicked "there's no toilet paper!" from one poor employee, before he ducked and scuttled off into the back room.
so now, loaves of bread and cartons of milk and various other household necessities are rationed to one per person/household per day.
i have 6 teenagers at home. 6. they are out of school for the rest of the year. they're not allowed to go to friends' houses. they're turning feral on me, guys. and do you know what bored, feral teenagers do, when they're perfectly healthy and can't leave the house and the wi-fi lags so bad that it takes 3 hours to watch a half an hour of a show?
they eat.
and eat. and eat. and eat. then they poop, and eat some more, guys, i have a whole litter of them, and not feeding them after midnight is only successful when they're not capable of getting up and feeding themselves.
i tried, world, and i have failed.
if i walk in with one gallon of milk, a $5 loaf of gluten-free, organic brick-bread, and no toilet paper, they're going to turn on me. all the progress i've made gaining their trust and assimilating them into our world will be lost.
day whatever this is of quarantine: send backup (with bread and toilet paper); the natives are wild.
(Apologies again for the poor formatting: this is all in caps lock in my drafts and no matter how many ways I go over it, it won't come out right when I publish. It would appear that the machines are rising as well. Good luck world, and may the odds be ever in your favor.)
