Conspiracy Theory #12 - That Damn Lack of Internet Access

I know, I know, I said something about withdrawal in the last post... but dammit, I'm having some major issues here.

No comments from the peanut gallery, thank you.

I got some really cool messages and stuff while I was away though. Special thanks to my bro for the voodoo doll, it might come in pretty handy - you wouldn't happen to have any Super Glue, would ya? And Doctor, I'm glad you're in, because I need a lot of anger management therapy right about now. Damn all that pent up aggression....

((I had to retract this paragraph. If that's upsetting, forward all your hatemail to Chris.))

So I started my new job on Monday, doing housekeeping at a local motel. To anyone who lives in this area - YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. Seriously. That's all.

Conspiracy Theory #723 - Text Messaging Wars

Once upon a time, in a galaxy very, very near, a lone band of intelligent people fought in a war for sanity via the wonderful advancements in telecommunications we know as *DA DA DAAAA* TEXT MESSAGING (Sorry I can‘t give you streams of rogue paragraphs floating through space, Blogger’s broadband width couldn’t handle the HTML).

I lost my access to Internet, so excuse the extraordinary amount of stupidity. As it is, I had to hijack my sister’s computer and save this in Microsoft Word, just to get it out of my head. I’m suffering some major internet withdrawals - I tried creating a “patch” for myself by duct taping a router to my arm - not only did it not work, but now I have a giant, bald, red spot on my arm because I misgauged the amount of space between myself and a door jam in my sister’s house.

You don‘t even want to know how I short-circuited the monitor cable.

Speaking of saving this on my sister’s computer - I know you’re reading this while I’m gone Sis, regardless of the fact that I stuck it into a folder clearly labeled SANDRA’S. Get back to your Canasta and quit being so damned nosy, gawd. (KIDDING! :))

I know I’m going to get short-sheeted tonight for that, but hey, it was worth it.

Back to the subject at hand, I want to point out to a certain 2 foot tall Atheist dwarf brother of ours that “I’d love to, but I’m building a pig from a kit” is NOT a proper response to “Sorry I won’t be at school today.” Seriously dude, Dave’s not here, and if you can’t find the 11 on the phone to dial “911” because you somehow managed to get your goofy butt stuck in the phone, maybe we should buy you some pudding. Don’t you know you can’t put a porcupine in a barn and burn it, and expect to get lime JELL-O? GEEZ.

While I’m on the subject of snowshoes - somehow I missed National Take your Gerbil to Work Day. I took my hamster instead, and boy, was THAT a disaster. I’ll spare you the gory details, but let me tell you - they should put a warning label on stuffed monkeys. Poor Hammy’s never going to be the same…

Until next time, live long and perspire. Or something like that.

Later :)