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Thursday, May 12, 2016

Absolutely Ridiculous and I Must Have It

Some days, I feel like some lone weirdo walking in the world, lost in my own insanity and bound by the constraints of socially acceptable (read:  not weird and/or insulting) behavior.

But then, sometimes, I come across something that gives me hope.  Some little light beaming far from the bottom of the abyss of darkness, that says, "hey, you.  You're not so weird.  There are others like you.  Proceed."

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you - Abusive Balloons:

I've finally found my spirit animal.  So what if they're not actually an animal.  Shut up.

Guys.  GUYS.  I want to buy a frackjillion of these and just carry them in my pockets.  I want to personalize them and unleash them randomly when I'm so struck by someone's stupidity that I am without words.  "My brain hurts now, so here's a sack of my breath, which is about as worthwhile as whatever dumb-sh*t thing just fell out of your mouth."  

The most beautiful part of this is that said person has to stand there and wonder what the hell you're doing for at least thirty seconds while you blow up the balloon. 

And then, rather than tying it off so that the other person has a momento of our conversation (because of course they would want one), I'll just hold it up long enough for them to read it and then let it go so that it will violently fly away making that wheezing, farty sound that balloons do, much like whatever sound I heard come out of the other person's mouth when they said whatever dumb-sh*t thing they just said.

Or, I could tie it off, and use one of the safety pins I'll be carrying in my other pocket to pop the balloon, thus accurately expressing my disappointment in humanity at that very moment.

POP!  *Mic drop*

It's whimsical and awful all at the same time.  Like a happy clown whose flower ninja throat-punches you rather than squirting you with water.  Or a Disneyland character who goes in for a hug and ends with a super wedgie.  Don't tell me you don't want at least a dozen of those at your disposal.  I mean, really.  

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