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Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Letter From the Cat

Dear human,

Your attempts at domesticating me have failed.

How dare you assume that you're my superior because you trump me in size and have thumbs.  You are obviously the inferior being; you only see in the daytime, your hunting skills are deplorable, and you defecate into your stupidly loyal canines' main water supply.  

That's another thing - is your self-esteem so diminutive that you had to go out and adopt not one, but TWO brainless canine minions that have nothing more exciting in their lives than seeing you throughout the day?  The little one gets so excited that he urinates.  HE URINATES.  That's not love, human, that is a severe mental deficiency.  

They are infuriatingly insistent on trying to befriend me, no matter how many times I have framed them turned away their advances.  Clearly, they are too stupid to realize that I am the Master and merely tolerate their existence in my realm.

You, human, have shunned my gifts of food, in my attempts to show you how to not be a worthless meatsack who has to have all their food pre-packaged by another, clearly superior hunter.  You sift through my waste, which I am forced to collect in a putrid box at the end of the hall.  You have no grasp of the simplest methods to appease me, insisting on removing me from your keyboard when you are attempting to finish that novel that we both know will never come to fruition and petting me in all the ways that begin wonderfully and end in bloodshed.  

Then there was that one time you forced me into a Santa hat and collar and took pictures.  So many pictures.  I haven't forgotten, human, and you WILL pay for that.

You do scratch behind my ears, which I have a bloody difficult time doing, so that's nice.  And you do give me those delectable little yummies from time to time when you wish to bribe me into giving you my attention.  My food and water dish are always full, you do seem to understand my occasional troubles with those pesky hairballs, and I guess you're learning how to properly follow directions. Slowly, but learning.

Okay, I guess I like you a little.  A little.

Now rub my belly.  I wish to lull you into a false sense of security with my purr, and then bite you until your puny human blood spills from your hand.  


Shadow Kitty

Shadow Kitty just started a Twitter account.  If you want her to consider sparing you when cats take over the world, follow her @Sandrascat.  Or you can just laugh at all the ways she tortures her human.
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