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Thursday, January 22, 2015

Why I Suck at Being a Girl

Okay, before the jokes start flying and the rumor wheels start a’spinnin,’ no, I don’t have any “extra parts” and I’m as physically intact and functional as any other human female. 

No, the point of this post has to do more with the fact that not only does mainstream media have some sort of blindingly bedazzled, feather boa’d hat that they pull “female” stereotypes from every time they cast a woman in a movie/tv show, and there are only about a handful of females that I know well who I can stand to be in the same room with for more than just a few minutes.  You know who you are.

Then there are troves of other females who pretend to like me, yet can’t stand me because they consider me arrogant, condescending, cold, and a whole slew of other not-so-nice adjectives because I just. Don’t. know. How. To. Function. In. Girl. World. 

...aaaaand punt.


What the bloody hell?  As I understand it, there are about a bazillion subrules for girl code, which all revolve around some sort of consistent ego-stroking and mutual hatred for other females:

  • Thou shalt hate any female that enters a room that is not a member of your group and might be even the slightest bit pretty;
  • Thou shalt hate the enemy of your girlfriends, with no reason or rational logic needed;
  • Thou shalt tell your girlfriends that they look like magnificent Goddesses at all times, even if they look like they just rolled out of bed after a steamy night with a grizzly bear and it would probably be kinder to politely tell them they need a little extra grooming before being seen in public;
  • Thou shalt not look better, be smarter, be more talented, or be better at anything than one of your girlfriends, lest you be cast out among the plebes;
  • Thou shalt smite any man who hurts your girlfriend's feelings, no matter how many horrible things she may have done to him before or after the fact;
  • Thou shalt participate in frequent bonding rituals of gossip and be totally comfortable saying and hearing awful things about anyone who's ever crossed a girlfriend's path, ever, including the girl in your group who happens to not be there;
  • Thou shalt sacrifice goats at the altar of Zuul so that the penises of the men who hurt you all may fall off, the breasts of that bitch who hit on Cindy's man may deflate, and for the youth and longevity of your group of friends...

I might have made the last one up.  I don't have many female friends.

Point is, "girl code" suggests that we as women are one big collective who share a brain and cannot function outside our little cliques.  All I'm saying is, if your BFF Linda can't handle it when you're nice enough to tell her to pack that muffin top back into its wrapper (because you know some bitch at the bar is going to make fun of her for it if you don't), you're not very good friends.


Alright ladies, let's be real here: with the exception of my lesbian and bisexual friends out there, there's a little part of each of us who loves us some men.  Or, some part of each of us that loves us some part of men.

....anywho, I get that there are lots of jerks out there - but to be fair, there are lots of ho-bag skank-faces out there, too.  It's not really fair to lump all men into this giant, pulsing scumbag idea when there are actually a lot of decent dudes out there - and you probably already know a couple.  Ladies, you've probably already friend-zoned them.  Might want to look into that.

Still, girlfriend number 3 comes crying to you one afternoon because the love of her life forgot to put the toilet seat back down or something (again, not many female friends), and the two of you spend an afternoon over wine and crumpets (that's what normal chicks hang out and do, right?) cursing his name and every man in his entire family tree because OH-MY-GOD-HOW-COULD-HE-BE-SO-INCONSIDERATE!  

And he forgot the anniversary of that time we did that thing, too!


So nevermind that you started bitching at him when he first came through the door from work instead of at least greeting him and letting him relax for two seconds first - he's the most horrible man on Earth because he didn't notice that you changed your haircolor two shades.   

Ladies - there are some shitty men on this planet, I know this.  I happen to know of few of them personally.  But here's the thing - if he's not drinking/drugging himself stupid, beating you, cheating on you, completely ignoring you (Super Bowl Sunday doesn't count honey, come on now), or berating you, what has he really done that's so wrong?  Men don't operate like we do - he'll appreciate it if he comes home and the house smells like freesia and lollypops, but he really won't care whether it does or not and he damned sure won't know that it's freesia and lollypops.  He loves you, not your hair, so unless you shave it bald he probably doesn't give two shits whether it's platinum blonde or champagne blonde.  

Do you know the difference when he upgrades the tires on your car?  Nope.  Do you care?  Probably not, so long as the car still functions.  That's how he feels about your hair.


So I kind of already went over this with "girl code," but holy shitballs this is one of the ones that irks me the most.

Despite the fact that at least 90% of the women in the world have breasts, most women are totally offended by them.  Big, small, covered in a fitted layer of cotton or barely concealed by a cute cami, women will automatically become absolutely unpleasant in the presence of other breasts.  Boobs are to women what blood is to sharks.  Wait, I'm not saying boobs make women want to eat other women.  Ugh, here goes the naughty AdSense again.  I need to work on my analogies.

Here's a question:  Have you ever heard a (straight) guy look at another man's shirtless torso with an eyeroll and spit, "Oh my God, put on a shirt already.  Slut."

On second thought, we're good, dude.  I, uhhh, like your bulletholes.

See how silly that sounds?  That's how you sound when you talk shit about some random woman.  I've covered this before, but for goodness sakes ladies, most of use don't get all dressed up and go out just to make the anger sharks start circling in other women.  We all want to look good because it makes us feel good, so maybe stop targeting other women and just focus on having fun with your own group.  It's a lot more fun.


Here's the big one.  "I don't like my face/butt/boobs/shoulders/hair/clothes/teeth/arms/legs/sasquatch feet, etc., etc., etc.

Guess what?  No woman in the history of women has ever liked everything about herself.  Guess what else?  TOUGH.  If you can change it, change it.  If not, deal with it.  Either way, embrace it and quit squabbling about it to your girlfriends in the hopes that they'll tell you how crazy you are and that you're beautiful.  Nobody wants to hear that shit.

Fun fact: guys don't want to spend entire dates reassuring you that your pants don't make you look like Free Willy, either.

This is you, crying about how your butt dimples make funny faces or whatever.

Confidence isn't just something that someone slapped onto a poster that hung in your high school guidance counselor's office, ladies.  It's a real thing, and you can achieve it, too!  How?  Quit stressing over the stupid crap that you think others have that you don't, and work with what you've got. 

And I promise, you've got something to work, girl.

In closing, now that I've probably pissed of at least 85% of the female population and proven that I really like making up percentiles, it should be quite obvious now why I really do suck at being a girl. I'm beginning to realize also that I am a little arrogant and condescending.

My bad.
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