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Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dear Prince of Nigeria

Dear Prince, whose name I do not know because you have contacted me under so many different aliases that you could be the entire cast of Saturday Night Live for all I know (or schizophrenic, in which case, please seek help),

I'm flattered that, out of all the people in America who are influential, wealthy, and otherwise more logical choices to entrust your millions to, you chose me to try to transfer your money from whatever wacky transaction you're trying to complete this week.  I know you must be absolutely desperate, because you've contacted so many people in such a short time in order to find help.

I first must warn you that I am a nobody, my bank account laughs at me when I try to make a withdrawal (before coughing up a dusty receipt that clearly says "LOSER" in the balance portion), and I blog way too much to be trusted with such confidential information (case in point).

I'm willing to look past the fact that Nigeria doesn't actually have a Prince, since I'm an American, clearly indicating that my knowledge of geography and foreign governments doesn't extend much beyond what I learned on Sesame Street as a tot, or what little tidbits I pick up from the Discovery Channel in between fake mermaid documentaries.  You say you're a Prince on the internet, and have taken the time to send me a very polite email personally, so what you say must be true, yes?

Still, your Highness, I must also alert you to the fact that I am a very untrusting person.  Some of my own family members don't have access to my cell phone number - so I'm afraid that I cannot provide you with my full name, social security number, mother's maiden name, bank account number, and blood sample from my first-born child.    If that information were to fall into the wrong hands - well, I just might be the person desperately emailing millions of strangers trying to get my money back.  It pains me that the ever-changing amount of money you've been trying to get back for many, many decades now is still floating around out there, but I am in no place to help you.

Because I am so worried for your fortune and unable to aid you myself, I've alerted my government of your plight and provided them with all the information I have to contact you with.  I don't know why you didn't do this to begin with, it could have saved you so much time and heartache.  The agent I spoke with seemed very interested in your situation, so you should be hearing from them very shortly.

In the meantime, fire your financial advisor.  He's clearly not doing a good job.

Good luck to you, dear Prince!


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