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Friday, December 13, 2013

Angel vs Devil - The Beginning

I mentioned in a earlier post that I was in the process of trying to condense all my online ramblings into one space, because frankly I don't have time to keep up with them all, and I keep forgetting where I left my proverbial brain droppings in the webiverse.
Once upon a time, I had a crap ton of extra time and no one to talk to, so this was born:
Nobody ever read it.  Like, no one.  It's set in obscurity for years now, mumbling to itself and bouncing between virtual padded walls.
So here we are with another "how this all started" post. These are all scenarios that actually have happened, in my warped little brain. I won't use anyone's names - not to protect anyone's identity's, but because I really can't afford any law suits right now. I knew you'd understand.

Really, it's simple:

I was in the 2nd grade. The most popular girl in the class, a snotty, prissy little witch who knew even back then how to rule the world with a cute skirt and the right combination of two differently colored socks scrunched down on each ankle (I know, I just dated myself - bear with me) - was standing in front of me in the lunch line.

As I waited for my glop of mystery meat on a bun that only slightly resembled sloppy joe, I noticed that her Wednesday panties were quite obviously sticking out from the top of her skirt.

My mind reeled - Wednesday? It's Friday! And is that - could it be? A hint of a skid mark! No way!

It was then that my little mini-me angel and devil popped up. Devil pointed and laughed. Angel shook her head. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed I'd gone crazy.

Devil: I see London, I see France...
Angel: Maybe you should tell her so she can fix it.
Devil: I see poopie in the underpants! (Oh come on, I was 8)
Angel: Cut that out.
Devil: Tell everyone!
Angel: You shouldn't pick on people.
Devil: She does it to you.
Angel: And that makes you feel bad. Do you really want to do that to someo-
Devil: At least give her a wedgie.
Angel: What is WRONG with you?
Devil: Come on, everyone would laugh.
Angel: And then you'd feel horrible about your-
Devil: Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
Devil: *Straining to reach prissy witch's panties*
Angel: *slapping Devil's hand* Stop that!

... I got 3 days detention and a phone call to my parents.

But, despite getting in trouble and being threatened with psychiatric help, I have a memory that will last me a lifetime.

The moral of the story: Sure, you may not have been the most popular kid in school - but you can take comfort in knowing that the popular kids are all now flipping burgers around their beer guts because they're jerks and don't know how to shower more than twice a week.

Eat that, skid mark prissy girl.
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