Conspiracy Theories ...from the Reality Challenged: 5 People Who Should be Denied Internet Access (and possibly punched in the face)

Once upon a time, in a world far, far detached from ours, people held conversations face-to-face, wrote letters, and in general acted like respectable, mature human beings. Then, suddenly – the advent of the Internet, and the proverbial downfall of human language and interaction as we know it. We’ll refer to this apocalyptic occurrence as “the Rise of the Trolls.”

What is a troll, you ask? A troll is basically a douche hiding behind a keyboard (not to be confused with the creepy-adorable fad from the 90's).

Totally a verbal menace.

This is a person who, presumably, has nothing better to do with their time than waste oxygen in their mother’s basement and make it their life’s ambition to poo-poo all over every single conversation, debate, or forum thread that they come across, in between World of Warcraft binges.

**Disclaimer: I'm not knocking WoW, or implying that everyone who plays it is a mouth-breather doomed for a lifetime of isolation as they lick the windows and wait for their next raid like a crack fiend. I do, however, have a sneaky suspicion that there are more sociopaths in Azeroth than not (and I'm totally telling on myself by knowing far too much about WoW than the casual observer should).**

It's a mental asylum in a box.

To the observant internet user (or anyone who has ever attempted to use a forum, social media site, or chat room), it's quite clear that internet trolls fall into very distinct subgroups. Let us discuss them now.

Internet Troll Subgroup #1: Negative Nellies

You might think that all trolls fall into this group - and you'd be right, partially. Negative Nellies are that small portion of the troll subculture that don't generally try to be hateful, they just like to point out every possible negative aspect of anything that anyone says. Their life is apparently so horrible that they can't seem to function without turning your happy announcement or intelligently constructed statement into a debate about how bad it could be if it wasn't so good.

Their cynicism is often sandwiched between compliments and/or accolades, and sometimes even backed by redundant numbers and "facts" that rip the joy from your big announcement like a drunk clown at a 5-year-old's birthday party. Sometimes, they'll throw an "lol" in at the end so you won't know that they're pooping all over your happiness.

Internet user: "He proposed! So excited to spend the rest of my life with my best friend!"

Negative Nellie: "Congrats. 60% of all marriages end in divorce, hope you're part of the 40% that doesn't get their heart ripped out and trampled on. He'll probably cheat on you within a year. lol."

Oh, the CAPS LOCK is coming on, bitch.

Internet Troll Subgroup #2: Meme

No, not "meme" as in those pictures that are clogging the web with various sayings, "meme" as in a multi-syllabic word indicating complete and total self-absorption. Me-me.

No sir, you may not. Please sit down.

This is the person who has nothing else going on in their life and has to turn everything into something about them. If you say that something is going wrong in your life, you can bet theirs is going worse. If you announce an achievement, they have (or had) a bigger one. This is the equivalent of scar-showing and affliction-comparing in a nursing home.

They attempt to stand on the shoulders of anyone who is actually being paid attention to and wave a giant, whistling banner shouting, "look at me! Hey! Hey! MEEEEE!" Often, they make shit up just to top whatever the other person is saying.

Internet user: "Ugh, I feel like crap. Just want to go back to bed."

Meme: "I know how you feel. Except I'm throwing up and my head just *literally* exploded. Can't sleep."

Internet user: "Almost got hit by some idiot in a truck today. smh"

Meme: "That's okay, I almost got run off the road by a monkey shitting rainbows and throwing Skittles into oncoming traffic."

Seems legit.

Actually, I just wanted an excuse to post a picture of a monkey. D'aawww...

Internet Troll Subgroup #3: Captain Contrary

We've all met this person. This person has an enlightened view of everything and must squash the opinions (and dreams) of anyone who makes a statement at all costs. They will pick fights and throw derogatory names at will, insulting anyone who crosses them for no reason other than that they are a lonely, miserable asshat with zero social skills and a tiny penis {citation needed}. Not all Captain Contraries are male, obviously, but there's no real broad-spectrum ego-shattering implication applicable to women (except for calling them fat, but we're so not going there).

Captain Contraries also, apparently, have no sense of humor. At all.

Internet user: So I walked away for like two minutes to use the bathroom, and my 2 year old got into the cookie jar and ate all but like two of the cookies. lol #love my kid

Captain Contrary: Good parenting, not watching your kid and letting him eat all that sugar. Now he's going to be obese and sick, probably. Parents like you make me sick, blah blah blah blabbity blue bleh bleh ....

And, in a sudden revelation, Tracy learned what the "block" app was for.

Internet Troll Subgroup #4: The Extreme Conspiracy Theorist

I don't mean cool conspiracy theorists, like my readers and myself, who poke fun at the silliness of everyday life and suggest that maybe there is some imaginary plot to make all sane people categorically insane; I'm referring to people who apparently think aliens are trying to take over the world by replacing celebrities with clones and that God is some guy behind a curtain projecting a comically ginormous hologram looking down with disgust over the entire world for letting Jersey Shore be a thing.

All your cheezburgers iz belongs to me.

In fairness, I'm all for freedom of speech and the right to believe in whatever the hell you want to believe in. What I have a problem with is the fact that some people claim this right, yet refuse to let anyone else. They refer to those of us with the ability to view things objectively as "sheeple," they mock people who believe in God and compare them to children eagerly anticipating Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, and generally just go around spreading their sourpuss attitudes into every discussion that they touch.

Internet user: "Just caught Beyoncé's new song on Youtube. LOVE IT!"

Extreme Conspiracy Theorist: "Oh yay, the Illuminati's new puppet." Cue paragraph-long explanation about how Bey made a triangle with her hands or the light caught her eyes just right and you could totally see the alien being possessing her body.

I'm not even going to get into what all is wrong with that statement, but I assure you that no one is looking to Beyoncé for spiritual guidance. If they are, then crazy conspiracy theories are the least of their worries.

I... um... nevermind.

Internet Troll Subgroup #5: Unintelligible Uma

I'm going to throw the disclaimer out there that I am not a grammar, spelling, or context Nazi. It's the internet, I get it - so long as I get the gist of what you're trying to say, I'm good.

Unintelligible Uma is that person that's pretty cool to hang out with and who is plenty articulate socially, but causes you to cringe clear to the depths of your soul when they attempt to contact you via anything that they have to write or type. Their prose is written in some kind of dyslexic hieroglyph sub-dialect that makes your eyes cross and your brain cry when you look at it.

Uma is someone who either has little to no experience with technology (sorry, Grandma), who is always in such a hurry that they text/type with their toes while they multitask, or who is trying so hard to stay up to date with text lingo that their messages look like they've been dictated by that Skittle-poop throwing monkey. Drunk. While throwing poop-Skittles.