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Thursday, June 13, 2013

Wherefore Art Thou, Sanity?

Let me start with a story:

I worked in a Pre-K classroom a few years ago.  As part of my job, I was appointed the duties of making the building all bright and pretty for parents and families that would be visiting the school for one of our many holiday parties.  I'm one of those people who fall into the "vertically challenged" category - for those of you who demand political correctness.  I'm short, for those of you who would rather skip over the fear of offending someone and cut down to bare facts.  Not oompa-loompa short, but just under the average height for an American female short.

As such, I was too lazy to locate an actual ladder, and defaulted to a mere chair to boost myself up so that I could hang decorations from the higher parts of the walls and ceiling.  The only problem was, the chair I so brilliantly chose was one of those wobbly, wooden kids' chairs that aren't meant to hold more than about 50 pounds max, so - you guessed it - I wound up face-first (make that nose-first) in the floor.  All was well when my class came back in and found me swollen and teary-eyed in the classroom, me explaining with as much humor as I could muster how I managed to re-arrange my face in the few minutes that my class had been absent.  Then someone said it:

"You should sue the school."

Um, what?  Because it wasn't embarrassing enough that I turned classroom decoration into a one- person version of Fight Club (and lost), this person was actually suggesting that I take the school to court because there wasn't a big sign on a chair that said, "Caution: Chairs are for butts, not feet"?  I'm not a stupid person (though I'm sure some people might argue otherwise), I KNEW, when I used the chair to stand on, that there was the possibility that I might fall out of it and land on my face.  Alas, I did fall out of it, I did land on my face - AND IT WAS MY OWN DAMN FAULT. 

And this, dear readers, is the problem with America today.  So here's today's list of redundant lawsuits/whineybutt complaints that make life so difficult for those of us actually willing to use our brains:

  • McDonalds does not make you fat.  Unless Ronald McDonald is sneaking into your house at night, holding you down, and funneling Big Macs and milk shakes down your throat, YOU are the one who is walking into the restaurant, spending your money on their food, and shoveling cholesterol and questionable ingredients that are impossible to pronounce into your piehole. 
  • On that note, parents - quit bitching at McDonalds for "tricking" your kids into eating their Happy Meals with crappy little plastic toys - YOU are the parent.  Hopefully, YOU hold at least the majority of the money.  TELL YOUR KIDS NO ONCE IN A WHILE.  Buy fruits and vegetables and COOK once in a while, and for goodness sakes, TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT NUTRITION.  By the way, circling the map in HALO a few times does not a workout make.
  • Some of you might want to take notes here:  Coffee is hot, cleaning products are not for eating/drinking/garnishing your food, medicine is only to be taken in the suggested/prescribed amounts, and small children CANNOT swim/fly or, hell, supervise themselves.  We DON'T NEED warning labels for these things - it's called COMMON SENSE.  Frankly, I can physically feel my IQ drop every time I see a redundant caution label or - for the love of God - INSTRUCTIONS on the most basic things, because obviously some idiot somewhere really thinks they need these things or they will use the item improperly and sue the pants off of anyone who ever had a part in manufacturing the product.
  • The media is not responsible for stroking your ego.  Don't get me wrong, I've had about enough of these Photoshop-happy dipwads myself - but if it offends you, DON'T LOOK.  Don't buy their products.  Don't watch their shows.  Money talks, people, and WE are the ones collectively financing their CEO's private yacht, summer home in Malibu, Barbie-wannabe girlfriend's cosmetic procedures, etc. YOU are the one who believed their obviously exaggerated claims and expected a $200 bottle of cream to make you look like Heidi Klum (spoiler: Heidi Klum doesn't even look like Heidi Klum).  YOU are the one gazing at your reflection in the mirror, beating yourself up because you don't look like a supermodel - and guess what - if these women didn't have the money for personal trainers, dieticians, and private cooks, THEY wouldn't, either.  Let's not forget that these women MAKE THEIR LIVING OFF THEIR LOOKS.  You'd bust your tail to look like Kate Upton too, if you were paid as much as she is to look like that (and even she gets Phtoshopped into some weirdly proportioned clone-gone-awry after some photoshoots).  As long as we're spending our money, the ad execs are assuming that their unrealistic beauty tactics are working - and they are.
  • Your kid is a spoiled brat because you made them that way.  Of course, I'm hoping that anyone reading this doesn't have that problem, what with being super awesome, intelligent, dedicated parents and all.  Still, I see way too many kids in public speaking to their parents in ways that, had I spoken to my parents that way, would have immediately resulted in me being transformed into a blubbering grease spot in the floor.  My parents weren't violent or abusive by any means - but I was not allowed to act as though I ran the show before the first stages of puberty, nor was I taught that I was some completely infallible princess whose sole purpose in life was to be served and doted on by all who were blessed with my presence.  See, there's this funny thing called balance, wherein your children learn that you will love them no matter what, but that you're also not going to put up with their crap - and oh yeah, NEITHER WILL THE WORLD.
I've just realized that I could literally go on for days with this list, so it's smarter to wrap this up before I completely convince everyone that I'm an arrogant person who is convinced that every human on this planet besides me is a complete moron.  That's not true at all, but for all those who spend their days finding things to complain about and people to blame for their unhappiness, I say this:

That is all.
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