Derailed Diet Excuses That Just Don't Work

This had to pop up sooner or later, what with my making fun of whiny heavy people who are only heavy through their own lack of will power (and I can say that, as I've had to jump back on the diet bandwagon myself because of some poor diet choices - damn you, Hershey's Kisses in 5 billion flavors).

So, I've compiled a list of all the derailed diet excuses that I can and will laugh at if I hear you try to use them:

MY CLOTHES ARE SHRINKING. I'll admit, I've (half jokingly) used this one myself before - but - WHAT? Unless you stumbled across some miracle fabric in the "Beyond" section of Bed, Bath & Beyond - that's your ass growing - not your pants shrinking. Step away from the cheesecake.

I HAVE KIDS. So? So does most of the rest of the world population. If you're feeding your kids lard-slathered pastas and feel you need to sneak bites and finish their plates "so it doesn't go to waste," consult a family dietitian - NOW - or you can count on being recruited for the "families" season of The Biggest Loser a few years down the road.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WORK OUT. Sure, you have a job, kids, etc. - but if you can fit in an hour to bake a german chocolate cake, read the latest diva train wreck gossip, or jump in the car for a Big Mac, you have time to work out. Here's a simple 5 step workout anyone can do from the comfort of their own home:

Step 1: Stand up.

Step 2. Walk away from the tv/computer.

Step 3: Grab a trash bag.

Step 4: Open your refrigerator & cabinets.

Step 5: Put anything that looks like it might taste good in the bag; then tie the bag shut.

Congratulations, you've just burned thousands of calories before you even ingested them!

Tip: Make sure the bag makes it to the curb without being reopened or molested. It will be hard - you might even cry - but your pant seams will thank you later.

I HATE TO COUNT CALORIES. Yea, unless your name is Susan Powter or Jenny Craig, that's a big *DUH*. You don't have to count calories, but if you're in a buffet line and the other customers are looking at you all bulgy-eyed, there's a good chance you just might be over-doing it.

If you're reading this, you obviously have internet - so if you're at home and find yourself being seduced by the thought of twinkies and fried chicken, here are some helpful words you can Google beforehand to curb those thoughts:

• Nude obese photos. 'Nuff said.
• Richard Simmons. Yea, this is the guy you might have to consult to shed those twinkie deposits on your thighs and bum. Be afraid - be VERY afraid.
• George W. bikini pics. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
• YouTube liposuction. That's what the cottage cheese looks like on the INSIDE. Not pretty.
• Ali McBeal. I know, sickeningly anorexic looking waif - but looking at Ali would make even Kate Moss feel like Shamu and throw away her fork.
• YouTube Salami packaging process. I saw this on the Discovery channel - haven't touched ANY deli meat since. /true story

I'VE TRIED EVERY DIET OUT THERE, NONE OF THEM WORK. Yea, that's because fad diets DON'T work, especially if you're a lazy dieter like most people out there. Drinking 3 Slim Fasts a day won't do you any good if you're still eating steak and potatos with OR in between them. Diet pills don't erase the calories you rack up stalking the donut shop, and pre-packaged diet meals and snack packs are pre-packaged for a reason - YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO EAT ONE AT A TIME.

That's my rant for the day, happy dieting to all.

Until next time...