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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Quick Thought for the Day - the Phuckitol Pill

Ever have those days when you want to beat the crap out of someone (or ANYONE), smack your head against a wall, or wrap people in bubble wrap and poke them with sticks? Forget Prozac and the "chill pills" or "happy pills" - give me a Phukitol.

What's that? There's no such thing? No freaking way!

I think I'll create one. I'll keep a good stock for myself, and sell the rest on eBay. Oh, and they'll be free to friends and family - double priced for exes and midgets.

Yea, that's all for now, have a great day all... and when life gets rough, Phuckitol.

Conspiracy Theory #401 - the Twilight Zone

I REALLY need to start keeping track of my own Conspiracy Theories - I'm running out of numbers.

I found out that I have fans. They leave me comments telling me how funny I am, and sometimes giving me ammo to write about. It's great, but everyone leaves comments as "Anonymous." So, what does that mean?

"I love reading your mindless banter, and I care enough to comment on it, but I'm not going to let you know who I am or where you might find me, crazy lady." /runs away

And, you know, I can't really blame them.

I just found out that my "adopted brother" is a 2 foot tall Dwarf atheist (swear to God). When exactly did I get sucked into the vortex that transferred me from regular life to Lilliput? Is that even a word or a place? I have no idea, but it's in print, so you as the reader have to believe that I might actually know what I'm talking about.


Also, I have to place a disclaimer - I marked "Bless you" as one of the top phrases that annoy me... and then was reminded repeatedly by several choice smart-alecky people of that fact EVERY TIME I slipped up and said it. Never mind that it was a JOKE, people, let's hang Sandra on a technicality. That, and the fact that I remembered that not everyone believes in God, or the same God, so it gets a little tiring trying to figure out the proper deity to use in that statement. So, because of those simple facts, I will forgive you for that one little offense if you make it.

You're welcome, I knew you'd be so incredibly grateful.

Speaking of using terms that annoy me, "don't even get me started" on how my divorce is going and how it fits into my Twilight Zone state of mind. It's not pretty, so I'll spare you the gory details. All I have to say on that subject is: I like toast. I think that sums it up quite nicely, don't you? Thanks to my nephew for that one.

Apparently insanity is very, very contagious.

Ah, bullbutter - I think I'll go make some pudding.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Conspiracy Theory #'s 42 & 43 - the Junior WWE and YAHOO! Messenger

In the land of Parenthood, you would think it would be safer to have girls than to have boys.

...but you'd be wrong.

Aside from the endless excuses and weepy kissy faces, nap time in my house also marks the beginning of our own little sports show, the Junior WWE. If this sounds a bit far-fetched to you, let me illustrate what I hear every day, much like an episode of the old Batman tv show:

"Yes, Momma (or Daddy)."
*shuffle shuffle shuffle*

We've removed all folding chairs and toys, and pretty much everything but the beds from their rooms. We've padded the floor, and short of dressing them in helmets and body armor before bed, there's not a whole lot more we can do on this one.

Maybe we should just give up and sell tickets.

As for the YAHOO! Messenger thing, I just want to say that it's great for people like me who loathe telephones, but I still hate it. Why? It's retarded. It also removes any chance of really knowing if that smart ass remark your friend has just made was a joke, or if they're really trying to piss you off so you log out and leave them alone.

Also take into account that I am the Queen of Sarcasm and making stupid remarks without thinking, and there's a huge potential for arguments or the silent treatment (which I have to admit, in some cases, isn't really so bad). Example:

Friend: hey, u there?
Me: No, I implemented a new program on my messenger that auto responds to messages.
Friend: lol
Me: lol
Friend: so what's up?
Me: not much, you?
Friend: OOH I just got a new cover for my XBox 360
Me: woot
Friend: yea, *bunch of tech nerd stuff* it's great :)
Me: nice. OOH I got new socks.
Friend: um...woot?
Me: yea, they've got stitches and cotton and that new sock smell, it's great :)
Friend: lol?
Me: lol.
Friend: I need to buy new socks, one of each pair keeps disappearing.
Me: lol I just got a mental image of a cranked out cousin of the Cookie Monster. "ME WANT SOCKIE! NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!"
Friend: WTF?
Me: what wtf?
Friend: you went off on this weird thing about a sock monster
Me: what? no I didn't.
Friend: Yea you did, scroll up
Me: wth are you talking about?
Friend: SCROLL UP.
Me: you've smoked yourself retarded.
Friend: (copy/paste) Sandra: lol I just got the mental image of a cranked out cousin of the Cookie Monster. "ME WANT SOCKIE! NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!"
Me: lol, wtf
Friend: wtf?
Me: yea, you just went on this wierd thing about a sock monster.
Friend: no I didn't.
Me: yea you did, scroll up.
Friend: that was u
Me: the prime rib minister spoke at the Vatican today, and my tiny little nipples went to France
Friend: WTF???
Me: ?
Me: wtf is wrong with you? you've been going on and on about nonsense this whole time
Friend: you're crazy
Me: No I'm not. But I was Crazy once
Me: locked me in this little tiny room
Me: it had rats, I hate rats
Me: rats are crazy
Me: I was crazy once
Me: locked me in this little tiny room....
Friend has just logged out.

Works every time.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Conspiracy Theory #90 - General Stupidity

Why does Blogger send me an email when I respond to a comment on one of my own posts? Does it think I don't know that I've posted a response? Is it checking to make sure I've thought through my responses so as not to make an ass of myself?

Yea, little late for that.

At any rate, there are countless things in life that never cease to amaze me - America's obsession with spoiled, crazy, rich people; the fact that George W. was actually able to father children; and Will Ferrell's ability to keep making movies - and actually sell them.

What gets me the most though, is the never ending cycle of stupidity I see spewing from everywhere. It's like a bad B horror movie, just when you think you're safe - *WHAM* - Stupid pops up and gives you a big, fat, mental wedgie.

"I see dumb people. They're everywhere - and they don't know they're dumb..."


You guessed it - I've compiled a list of some of the sayings that annoy me most. Why? Because I can.

"The proof's in the pudding." - What the -??? I don't even know what that means. I've been subjected to marathons of Law & Order, and never once have I seen a DA pull a box of instant pudding mix from their little black briefcase and parade it in front of a panel of stunned jurors as Exhibit A - "Here's all the proof you need - PUDDING!" *gasp* *DUH DUH DAAAAH*. "The counsel rests."

I guess there really IS always room for J-E-L-L-O.

"Two wrongs don't make a right." - Umm... DUH. I'm not even going to go into this one. Two wrongs may not make a right, but I hear in San Francisco, 3 lefts do.

"It was in the last place I looked." - Yea, I'm going to take a Carlos Mencia stance here and say, "DEE DEE DEE." Of course it was in the last place you looked, you phucktard, or you'd still be looking. Next time, try looking in the pudding.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat." - Who the *profane* came up with THIS little gem? Was there some crazy person running around at some point skinning cats, eagerly trying new methods, who suddenly had an epiphany that, "Hey, my psychotic habit could be a source of inspiration for people who find a task difficult! If one method doesn't work, never fear - there's more than one way to skin a cat!" If I hear you use this statement, I can and will call FEMA on your crazy ass - after I smack you in the head.

"The exception proves the rule." WHAT? No it doesn't, that's why they call it an exception. Are you still scratching your head? Here, let me clarify -
  • ex·cep·tion [ik-sep-shuhn] noun - something excepted; an instance or case not conforming to the general rule.
You really shouldn't try to use words you can't spell, anyway.

"Don't even get me started." - Thanks for the warning, I won't. Now take your pointless pre-menstrual rant elsewhere, please.

"I could care less." - Really? Then why are you even mentioning it at all? The correct sentiment here is, "I couldn't care less," you mook.

"nucular" - I know, it's not a sentence, but it's one of those mispronunciations that twists my panties so far in a knot that I want to strangle the person that said it with their own stupid shoelaces. Yes, I did just refer to my unmentionables in print, what of it? It's nuclear. NU-KLEE-ER. I'd stock up on dictionaries for Christmas if I thought anyone would actually use them.

"Over yonder" - Before anyone gets their hate mail trigger finger aimed, I want to point out that I live in the South and I fully realize this is a very common colloquialism*, but this term doesn't annoy me as much as it eludes me. It's the descriptive for the location of everything from Bubba's house to the nearest EZ Mart - "It's over yonder, cain't miss it." (Yes, I misspelled that on purpose.) How, for the love of God and all that is Holy, is that going to help ANYONE know any better where something is? Is "yonder" a unit of measurement? Perhaps somewhere between "everwhichaways" and "ovair"? *sigh* I just don't get it.

*I provided a link to the meaning of the word colloquialism, just in case. See? My posts aren't just ramblings of my insanity and annoyances, they also provide valid information. You're welcome.

ANY "PC" Term - By "PC," of course, I mean "politically correct." "So-and-so is 'African American/Italian American/Asian American, blah frickity blah blah-" they're AMERICAN, you closet bigot, get it right. "So-and-so has an 'alternative lifestyle.'" So? So-and-so is GAY - if they can say it, why does it make YOU so stinking uncomfortable? If you're looking for a descriptive, try using their name. You'd be surprised how well that works. If you must bring up their race, sexual preference, religion, or whatever else secretly makes you nervous in each and every conversation to or about them to broadcast how "okay" you are with "their differences," maybe they don't need you as a friend anyway. Go toot your horn elsewhere.

"Bless you." - Again, before anyone gets up in arms, please allow me to explain. You're not God, stop running around "blessing" people. The proper statement here would be, "God bless you." Although, I'm not sure God takes too kindly to orders either, but at least you're giving Him credit for the blessing.

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies." -'re a liar. Thanks for getting that out of the way up front, now I know where we stand.

"Better late than never." - Oh, really? Adopt that attitude at work, I'll be the one laughing at you when you're standing at a stop light with a squeegee and a bucket of water, you lazy, unimaginative bum.

My biggest pet peeve, the thing that makes me grit my teeth and flare my nostrils unattractively, is people who use words completely out of context. Don't laugh, I'm serious. If you don't know what a word means, don't attempt to use it - it just makes you look like an uneducated clod.

...and for any of you smart-alecks out there who think it will be funny to use any or all of these phrases in my presence just to annoy me, I have one thing to say to you - I have bubble wrap, don't make me use it.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Cat's on the Roof

These last couple of weeks have been full of drama and overall strange occurances, and being the realist that I am (no comments from the Peanut Gallery, thank you), I have to take time out to take a step back and look at both sides of every situation in order to fully appreciate the Big Picture.

Okay, I seriously have nothing better to do, humor me, ok?

So, here are the highlights of the past couple of weeks, condensed into Good News/Bad News format:

GOOD NEWS: I haven't been beaten to death or wrapped in bubble wrap and poked with a stick.
BAD NEWS: While that certain friend managed to escape captivity, he's emerged in shock, traumatized, and obviously delerious, which is why I was laughed at instead of being beaten or wrapped in bubble wrap and poked with a stick.

GOOD NEWS: We have our own Dr. Phil at our disposal to help rehabilitate our delerious friend.
BAD NEWS: He's so brilliant he got into a fight with a shovel and smashed his thumb, did something to his back, AND he knows where the bubble wrap is... Hopefully there's no "anger management" therapy for Mr. Greenpeace in the future, or I'm in trouble.

GOOD NEWS: My girls are getting over whatever monster virus they caught out of nowhere.
BAD NEWS: It took 3 days of head-spinning and pea soup spewing to get there.

GOOD NEWS: The puppy's actually grasping the concept of pottying OUTSIDE.
BAD NEWS: He's retarded, so he'll forget by tomorrow. Three cheers for Special Ed.

GOOD NEWS: My ex and I are actually getting along.
BAD NEWS: One or both of us has either been sick or sleeping the last few days.

GOOD NEWS: I'm losing weight.
BAD NEWS: It's all in my bra. *CENSORED* you, Estrogen.

GOOD NEWS: Mr. Greenpeace survived the flood.
BAD NEWS: It wasn't a flood, Einstein drove into a creek.

GOOD NEWS: I get away with surprising amounts of harassment and just plain meanness, all for the sake of entertainment.
BAD NEWS: I'm a firm believer in Karma. Do I really have to say more?

I think I'll start my little yellow list now, while I'm thinking about it.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Long Time No Pointless Rant

Believe it or not, there comes a time even in my life where I have absolutely nothing to talk about.

I'll give you a couple seconds to recover from that bombshell.

Better? Ok, I'll continue.

It's not like my girls, family, or friends don't give me enough ammo - I mean, *inspiration*- for things to write about, it's just that sometimes all that useless information gets jammed together and scrambles itself into kind of a redundant, amorphous, pulsing blob somewhere deep within the proverbial silly putty that is my brain. Suffice to say that whatever does manage to seep out of it is, at best, short of any real substance or meaning, and might actually be a bit smelly.

I got a suggestion for writing about "stupid tendencies," and while I appreciate input, I do apologize but - it's just too easy. Seriously.

Although, speaking of amorphous blobs and stupid tendencies, I will say - if you're drinking and you're given money for no reason by someone who looks like they should be rolled back into the ocean by Greenpeace - RUN.

Don't argue, don't ask questions, don't look back - just run.

In case you're wondering, yes I am referring to someone I know, and while I won't mention names, I will mention that we are all very worried for this person's safety and well-being. Was he smothered? Was he eaten? Is he scared and alone, lost in the caverns of the Land of Long Forgotten Big Macs and Curly Fries, sending smoke signals in vain for help?

I warned you that this post might be smelly.

At any rate, I just want to say to that long lost friend that we're praying for your safe return.

Oh, and if you're wondering if this post might get me killed, severely beaten, or wrapped in bubble wrap and poked with a stick, the answer is most likely yes.

...but it's funny, so I don't care.

/runs away

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Conspiracy Theory #301 - Bedtime Resistance

Anyone who has kids knows that you need major reinforcements (or a rubber mallet?) to get them down for a nap - and my girls are definately no exception.

There's the standard "I have to go potty," every 5 seconds; the "I'm thirsty;" and the "Read me the story again," even when you've read it so many times you're sure they should have it memorized by now. Recently however, my girls have resorted to a dirtier tactic - the sobbing "I want a hug and kiss, Momma," even though I've not only hugged and kissed them, but also tucked them in - 20 times.

My oldest daughter was so distraught yesterday over nap time that she sent her sister into the hallway repeatedly, just so I'd have to chase her back into her room, tuck her back in, and be assaulted by my oldest daughter's pitiful, strangely hilarious weeping kissy face. I really wish I had taken a picture, because there is no possible way for me to accurately describe the face she was making.

Picture a cross between Marylin Monroe's trademark pouty kiss and a blowfish, all wrapped up in a very upset, red-faced, blond haired, blue eyed 5 year old - and you might have a slight idea.

Of course, as painful as it was, I still had to remain straight-faced and steadfast with her that it was nap time and there was going to be no more using her sister as a decoy or pulling of heart strings to get her way.

This only resulted in an even poutier kissy face.

I was brave, I held my ground, tucked her in, told her I loved her, and walked away... and burst into laughter as soon as I hit the hallway.

...and this, my friends, is why parents have the best poker faces of anyone on Earth. If you don't have kids yet, practice now - because trust me, you're going to need it.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Philisophical Nonsense

A good friend of mine once told me to always remember that sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel was nothing more than an oncoming train.

With that in mind, I'm also reminded of a wise little tidbit my Dad shared, as he barged in on my friends and me with his pockets pulled out of his shorts -

"I'm an elephant, wanna see my trunk?"

Wait... that can't be right....

I guess the "wise quotes" folder in my brain got a little scrambled over the last few weeks, I'll have to get back to you on that....

So since I don't have anything to share that is deep or meaningful, I guess I'll have to fill some space with nonsense. What's new about that, you ask? Nothing - but you're still reading, so it appears that it may not be that big of a problem. It's kinda my thing... like smart-aleck remarks and raising tolerance of all that encompasses harmless stupidity and makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

See what I did there? I just use big words to make it look and seem more impressive. :)

In closing, I'll give you my own little tidbit of wisdom - I guess when life hands you lemons, don't just make lemonade - peel the suckers back and squirt them into the eye of whoever pissed you off. It might not make the situation better, but it will make you feel better... and while you're running away, you can laugh at their futile attempts to see straight enough to catch you.
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