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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Cynicism and Insomnia

I just want to point out that you know you've reached the milestone of actual adulthood when a new appliance excites you.  Specifically, a new washer, since my last one decided it didn't want to drain and spin anymore but would act like it was still going through all the motions of a normal wash cycle. So basically the little green light would come on saying that the load was done and ready to be switched over to the dryer, yet when I would open the lid I would be met with a pile of sopping wet clothes and enough water to run that bubble bath I could have been relaxing in if I didn't have to keep resetting the washer to drain and spin 4 times a f*cking load.  That's like 3 hours per load of laundry, guys.  I could have been using a washboard on the back porch and been more efficient than that.

And before anyone tries to tell me that I could have just rung the clothes out myself, let me just remind you that the whole purpose of an appliance is that they are supposed to do all the work for you.  Ain't nobody got time for all that.

Besides, somewhere in the rinse cycle, the damn thing also forgot to actually rinse the clothes - so I'd be left with little pieces of scent booster and whatever else might have been on the clothes that made it necessary to wash them in the first place.  

Anyway, I upgraded to a pretty little front-loading model that cleans in half the time and spins so hard that the clothes come out almost dry.  Eat that, washer who refused to even do the most basic parts of your job.

You're fired.

Guys, my new washer plays a little song every time it finishes a load.  I'm not kidding.  It's like it knows it's done a good job and is so proud of itself that it has to announce it to the world with a tinkly little melody.  Like a magic trick in a kid's movie.  Brrrrring, *star shine.* *Jazz hands.*

I already know I'm going to want to kill it with a sledge hammer by this time next week, but for now it kind of makes me feel like a Disney princess.  Except for the helpful woodland animals that do all my chores for me.  And the Prince in shining armor.  And the happily ever after complete with castle and epic f*ck you to all the people who have ever been mean to me in my life.

Dammit, Disney.

It even makes music every time you turn it on to start a load, and makes a little ding every time you choose an option.  Actually, aside from when it's washing, it makes a lot of noise.  Like LG wants you to think that their washer makes chores magical.  Baby toy sound effects magical.


I'm off to find my screwdriver.

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