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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Dear Internet

WARNING:  Since I’m addressing some of the random, crazy things I’ve encountered in everyday *normal* use of the internet, there is some adult content in this post.  Don’t get too excited, there aren’t any naughty pictures.

Also, I’m totally aware that the internet is not a person, but since I don’t know anything about it other than how to blog, operate Facebook, and create obnoxious memes, I’m just going to address this to “internet.”

     Every word in the English language does not directly translate to “vagina.”

No matter which you use as your default search engine, it never fails that no matter how innocent-sounding the search term you enter, you always wind up with dirty pictures thrown in for good measure.  And by “you” I mean “me.”

Oddly, this is what happens when you openly search “midget porn.”

I once did a Yahoo! search for my grandmother’s name, which I won’t post here, because either my grandmother cheated death and lives on as an insanely surgically enhanced porn queen, or there’s a porn queen out there with the exact same name as my grandmother.

Needless to say, my family tree project has been put on hold indefinitely.

Other times, boring searches like “5th grade math worksheets” have garnered results that seem to come from nowhere, since I’m pretty sure that porn stars can’t do 5th grade math and, while I’m sure that 12 year old boys would love to be taught variables by a naked, greased up Jenna Jameson, I’m also pretty sure that parents and school systems would much prefer other, less distracting methods of education. 

So, internet, the point is that if I wanted to look at vaginas, I’d go to a private place and look at my own.  Or, you know, actually search for “vaginas.”

Your information gathering bots or trained monkeys or whatever the hell they are suck.

Odds are, if you have access to the internet, you have an email account somewhere.  In that email account, if you’ve ever surfed online at all, I'd venture to guess that you’ve gotten some really obnoxious, irrelevant spam mail. 

I’m a female.  I have a bit of an online presence, and every place I’ve ever registered online knows that I’m a female.  Anyone who’s ever taken a Sex Ed class knows that females don’t have penises.  Also, I’m straight.  Therefore, why the hell do I need penis enlargement pills, Viagra, or to have an imaginary online affair with hot to trot MILFs?

If you don't catch this reference, you're too young to be reading this blog and it's probably past your bedtime.  Go to bed.

If your tracking software can detect that I like flip flops from Kohls and that I’ve searched for Wii Infinity on Amazon, then why can’t it figure out that a penisless straight woman is never going to open those emails?

I'm not stupid, and neither is most of the rest of America.

People who know me might debate that previous statement (they've probably seen me drunk), but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that Paypal doesn't send its emails through yermom.mail and that the head of the FBI isn't going to contact some random Joe Schmo through email about some big, top secret case.

Also, (insert bullepoints here):
  • "That blinky, sparkly banner makes me wanna buy ALL THE CRAP!;"
  • "Kim Kardashian endorses it??  Shut up and take my money!;"
  • "They're stalking me on Facebook, they must really want my business!;"
  • "A two-hundred page 'survey' and a small fee of $19.99 for a free sample?  Let me get in on that!;"
  • "Download spyware to get rid of all my porn spyware?  Alright!;"

.....said no one, ever.

That's not to say that none of us - myself included - haven't been fooled by an authentic looking email or accidentally clicked a link we weren't supposed to click, but seriously, internet, you're not even trying.

Why is all the relevant stuff hidden behind random stories about celebutantes and kittens?

Go take a look at Yahoo! front page.  As I'm writing this, there's about a frackjillion stories about celebrities and cutesy puppies calling 911, and not a single. relevant. article.  Nothing that doesn't drop your IQ a few points just by clicking the link.

Also, is there no such thing as a text article anymore? (I'm talking to you, Yahoo! News.)

Seriously, What the hell?

As mentioned at the beginning of this post, random crap pops up during a search that has nothing to do with what was actually searched.  Here are some search terms that have brought people to this very blog:

" porno" - I have no explanation for this.  Or words, really.  I bet they were pissed when they found themselves here, though.  Sorry dude.

"monkeys throwing poop" - I'm assuming that this had something to do with this post.  I hope. 

"Steve Buscemi laughing" - Well, okay then.

"I see stupid people" - Me too.  All the time.  And they don't know they're stupid.

"Phuckitall" - Yes.  Phuckit.  Phuckitall.

And, with a whopping 43 people using the same search term: "flu vaccine conspiracy theory."

Also, "Sandra Creason is the most awesome person alive."  Aww.

Okay, I totally made that last one up (although how cool would it be if that showed up in my search terms that brought people here), and I understand why some of these would have some teeny tiny thing to do with something I randomly threw into a blog post, but seriously Google, your crawlers are on crack.  Crawlers, trained monkeys, whatever it is that figures out which search terms are relevant to which sites.

Pictured: Not throwing poop.
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