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Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Infamous Facebook Toy Rant

Dear toy manufacturers,

While I understand that you lose money when *expletive* people steal your products, as a person who has always paid for things (you know, as per the constructs of not being a douchenozzle), I must say that every time I buy my kids a toy and have to spend two hours disassembling your Pandora’s Box of “theft-deterrents,” I contemplate packaging myself in an oversized box, speed-shipping myself to your corporate headquarters, and punching your CEO in the face when he opens the box – WHICH, mind you, I will assemble much like your products, complete with tape, thread, more tape over the thread, twist ties, tape over the twist ties, teeny-tiny zip ties that you can neither break by hand nor fit a pair of scissors into to cut, extra glue, and those @#$! things you have to unscrew just to get into the package. Let’s not forget that half the cost of the item is for these “theft deterrents,” and that I practically have to rent a city dumpster just to have a place to put all the trash that comes off the *expletive* things. To save you money, I have decided that I will from now on save all these pieces and ship them back to you, COD. To save on shipping, I will package them as described above. Have a great day, and kudos for turning Barbies into MENSA-scale puzzles for people who get duped into funding your sadistic insanity.

Every parent in the country
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