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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Re: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Crap

**This post is closed-captioned for the thinking impaired**

I know, I know. One day I'm here, a month later I'm here again... What can I say? I work with kids, I have two of my own - let's just say my brain isn't exactly running in top form, people.

Still, I apologize.

So I've been getting an insane amount of crap forwards in my inbox. And by inbox, I mean every one in my ridiculously large collection of email accounts, plus my cell phone.
If any of you are confused, let me explain the nature of a Crap Forward.

Number of phone calls you will receive from the average person listed in your address book within 1 week: Zero. Number of Crap Forwards you will receive, repeatedly, from the same people within that same week: 148.

That's right - instead of a friendly "Hello, how are ya," you'll get, "I heard they're going to shoot all the retards, run little buddy, HAHA."

Yea, love you too guys.

Aside from lame retard/whore/asshole/lousy friend forwards, are the second most annoying of this species: the "Lost Child Alert." Okay, I know - if they're real, then by all means tell everyone you know. BUT - and I'm going to type this in all caps so it's easy to read (and yes, I AM yelling): 99% OF THE LOST CHILD ALERTS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT. SAME AS THE "LITTLE STEPHANIE NEEDS A KIDNEY AND AOL WILL DONATE 5 CENTS FOR EVERY TIME THIS MESSAGE IS FORWARDED." SERIOUSLY, HOW THE HELL IS AOL GOING TO KNOW HOW MANY TIMES YOU FORWARDED THAT MESSAGE? WHO GIVES A SHIT? LITTLE STEPHANIE IS SITTING AT HOME EATING SNICKER DOODLES AND LAUGHING HER ASS OFF BECAUSE THE WORLD IS INHABITED BY MORONS.

Then there's the "bad luck chain letter" ones. Oh I know, I've written about this one before, and sent satirical emails and texts back to everyone who's sent me these, but no one seems to have gotten the hint. Caps lock goes back on.

FIRST OF ALL - THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR BAD LUCK WITH ME ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW I DON'T FORWARD CHAIN MAIL AND YET YOU SEND ME EVERY "SEND THIS TO TEN PEOPLE WITHIN 5 MINUTES OR EVERYONE IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY WILL DIE OF SPACE HERPES" MESSAGE.

I'M BLAMING YOU FOR THE LAST 26 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

SECONDLY - THERE ARE MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATHS EVERYWHERE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO FORWARD A MESSAGE BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID THEY'RE TRACKING YOUR EMAIL OR PHONE AND WILL SCALP/RAPE/MAIM/DISMEMBER YOU IF YOU DON'T SEND IT - YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT WORTH IT. DO YOU STILL STAND IN THE BATHROOM IN THE DARK AND CHANT "BLOODY MARY?" YEESH. ALL I CAN SAY IS, IF A MENTAL INSTITUTION ESCAPEE SHOWS UP AT MY DOOR WITH A DRIPPING HOOK FOR A HAND, I'M SENDING HIM TO YOUR HOUSE.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ACCEPT A JOB IN CONGRESS.

THIRD - IF YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH, QUIT SENDING ME GUARDIAN ANGELS (TAGGED ALONG WITH "SEND THIS OR BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN"), VIRTUAL HUGS, SAPPY POEMS, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH - PICK UP THE DAMNED PHONE AND DIAL MY NUMBER. OR, TEXT A SIMPLE "Thinking of you," OR "Love ya."

THERE, WAS THAT SO HARD?

For anyone who's curious, I think I've forwarded MAYBE 5 messages my whole life. Why? Because logic dictates that even if it is important, there's only about 6 degrees of separation between all of us - which means, that even if I don't forward that message to everyone I know, everyone I know will get that message from at least 3 other people in their address books. This, people, is what you call REDUNDANCY. There's no point in wasting time, energy, brain cells, or anything else forwarding that message when it's completely clear that it will get there on its own.

I'd also like to point out that according to all my inbox clutter I've racked up about 3,897,456,215 years of bad luck. That's an estimate, but I'm sure it's close. What, like you're going to know if it is or not? Yea, go ask AOL or a random psychopath.

At any rate, I'm obviously still alive, I'm not dying from any random illness, all my body parts are in tact and functional, and the only psychopath that shows up at my door is the old guy that lives down the street who sometimes forgets his pants and where he lives.

So I'm begging you - please, please, please, PLEASE, think before you hit enter. My sanity and the average IQ of Americans depends on it.

Forward this to no one - I know where most of you live.

- I'm serious.

Until next time....
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