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Monday, July 20, 2009

It's the end of the world as we know it....

I'm serious people - I need an intervention, and I need it NOW.

Ok, not really, but I made a horrible discovery this morning, completely by accident.

So I was going through Yahoo! Music, listening to videos in the background just for something different. Started innocently enough right? But then I came across this one song that had a pretty good beat, and I wasn't really paying attention to the lyrics or the voice, and my foot started tapping. I decided I liked the song and wanted to know what it was.

To my horror - brace yourselves, people, and I mean it - it was Britney Spears.

WHAT!?!?! I know, right?

So out of morbid curiosity, I went on Youtube and searched that dreaded name for more videos.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I totally thought about buying one of her albums. I KNOW RIGHT! The horror! The scandal! The hypocritical irony!

....truth be told, I have Circus going right now...

I'm so embarrassed....

What's the point? I don't know really. But, if the Heavens begin to unravel and the Earth implodes, I take full blame.

Apologies, in advance.

Later. If there is one.


Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Goodbye, Michael Jackson

I'm not going to write a long post here about how much of an impact Michael had in my life, how wronged he was, or whatever typical RIP MJ banter is going around out there. We all know that Michael was a superstar, a trendsetter, a head turner and eyebrow raiser - leave the poor man alone already.


All I'm going to say is that I've watched the memorial, I've seen the tribute and I have to say, it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Michael Jackson was obviously a much loved man aside from his celebrity, and that speaks volumes as to what kind of person he was.

It's finally set in, and I've never been so saddened by the passing of someone I've never met before. To Michael's family, friends, and children - God bless you.

Michael, goodbye. I hope you can find some peace now.


That's all.
1958 - 2009

Monday, July 06, 2009

I'm getting really bad at this....

Seriously. When was the last time I posted? Yea, I can't remember either, that's how bad it is.

So I have a question -
Have you ever accidentally tried to buy something that has been recalled?

Yes, of course I'm serious. It's the craziest damn thing I ever saw - the register locked up, alarms sounded, S.W.A.T. came down from the ceiling on those human fishing line thingies, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones showed up in their black suits and flashy thing'ed me. All for a 16 oz. box of nonfat dried milk. Generic, at that.

Okay, I made some of that up, but the register did lock up and it was a big stupid deal to get it overridden so I could finish checking out. So what I'm wondering, and just hear me out here:

Why is it still on the shelves?

They can't make money off of it even accidentally, and it just causes a whole mess of trouble for everyone involved. Are they afraid of having an empty spot on a shelf? Or are they worried that the condensed milk and goat's milk are going to join forces and take over dried's territory while it's away, leaving nowhere to put a product that MAYBE 1 in every 250 people even buys in the first place when it's deemed safe again?

Seriously, is it that hard to send someone to pull a few boxes off a shelf?

But then, it IS Walmart, and this IS Southeastern Oklahoma...

*sigh*

That's all for now.

Later : )

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Re: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Crap

**This post is closed-captioned for the thinking impaired**

I know, I know. One day I'm here, a month later I'm here again... What can I say? I work with kids, I have two of my own - let's just say my brain isn't exactly running in top form, people.

Still, I apologize.

So I've been getting an insane amount of crap forwards in my inbox. And by inbox, I mean every one in my ridiculously large collection of email accounts, plus my cell phone.
If any of you are confused, let me explain the nature of a Crap Forward.

Number of phone calls you will receive from the average person listed in your address book within 1 week: Zero. Number of Crap Forwards you will receive, repeatedly, from the same people within that same week: 148.

That's right - instead of a friendly "Hello, how are ya," you'll get, "I heard they're going to shoot all the retards, run little buddy, HAHA."

Yea, love you too guys.

Aside from lame retard/whore/asshole/lousy friend forwards, are the second most annoying of this species: the "Lost Child Alert." Okay, I know - if they're real, then by all means tell everyone you know. BUT - and I'm going to type this in all caps so it's easy to read (and yes, I AM yelling): 99% OF THE LOST CHILD ALERTS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT. SAME AS THE "LITTLE STEPHANIE NEEDS A KIDNEY AND AOL WILL DONATE 5 CENTS FOR EVERY TIME THIS MESSAGE IS FORWARDED." SERIOUSLY, HOW THE HELL IS AOL GOING TO KNOW HOW MANY TIMES YOU FORWARDED THAT MESSAGE? WHO GIVES A SHIT? LITTLE STEPHANIE IS SITTING AT HOME EATING SNICKER DOODLES AND LAUGHING HER ASS OFF BECAUSE THE WORLD IS INHABITED BY MORONS.

Then there's the "bad luck chain letter" ones. Oh I know, I've written about this one before, and sent satirical emails and texts back to everyone who's sent me these, but no one seems to have gotten the hint. Caps lock goes back on.

FIRST OF ALL - THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR BAD LUCK WITH ME ASSHOLE, YOU KNOW I DON'T FORWARD CHAIN MAIL AND YET YOU SEND ME EVERY "SEND THIS TO TEN PEOPLE WITHIN 5 MINUTES OR EVERYONE IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY WILL DIE OF SPACE HERPES" MESSAGE.

I'M BLAMING YOU FOR THE LAST 26 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

SECONDLY - THERE ARE MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATHS EVERYWHERE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO FORWARD A MESSAGE BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID THEY'RE TRACKING YOUR EMAIL OR PHONE AND WILL SCALP/RAPE/MAIM/DISMEMBER YOU IF YOU DON'T SEND IT - YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT WORTH IT. DO YOU STILL STAND IN THE BATHROOM IN THE DARK AND CHANT "BLOODY MARY?" YEESH. ALL I CAN SAY IS, IF A MENTAL INSTITUTION ESCAPEE SHOWS UP AT MY DOOR WITH A DRIPPING HOOK FOR A HAND, I'M SENDING HIM TO YOUR HOUSE.

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T ACCEPT A JOB IN CONGRESS.

THIRD - IF YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH, QUIT SENDING ME GUARDIAN ANGELS (TAGGED ALONG WITH "SEND THIS OR BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN"), VIRTUAL HUGS, SAPPY POEMS, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH - PICK UP THE DAMNED PHONE AND DIAL MY NUMBER. OR, TEXT A SIMPLE "Thinking of you," OR "Love ya."

THERE, WAS THAT SO HARD?

For anyone who's curious, I think I've forwarded MAYBE 5 messages my whole life. Why? Because logic dictates that even if it is important, there's only about 6 degrees of separation between all of us - which means, that even if I don't forward that message to everyone I know, everyone I know will get that message from at least 3 other people in their address books. This, people, is what you call REDUNDANCY. There's no point in wasting time, energy, brain cells, or anything else forwarding that message when it's completely clear that it will get there on its own.

I'd also like to point out that according to all my inbox clutter I've racked up about 3,897,456,215 years of bad luck. That's an estimate, but I'm sure it's close. What, like you're going to know if it is or not? Yea, go ask AOL or a random psychopath.

At any rate, I'm obviously still alive, I'm not dying from any random illness, all my body parts are in tact and functional, and the only psychopath that shows up at my door is the old guy that lives down the street who sometimes forgets his pants and where he lives.

So I'm begging you - please, please, please, PLEASE, think before you hit enter. My sanity and the average IQ of Americans depends on it.

Forward this to no one - I know where most of you live.

- I'm serious.

Until next time....

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Freedom of Speech

I'm a firm believer in the freedom of speech - as long as a person actually has something to say.

Who has the right to determine whether something someone says is really valid or not? Well, one could say that every opinion is valid and that everyone has a right to agree or disagree with said opinion.

Someone else could say that some people are just idiotic and should therefore be struck mute by God Himself, just so that they can't taint the world with their drivel and no one can be accused of violating their 1st Amendment rights by telling them to shut the [profane] up.

Alas, God has not yet heard my pleas on this one... That, or He thinks I'm an idiot and has been debating on whether or not to render ME mute and unable to use my fingers to operate a keyboard.

*shrug*

Anyway, I had to stop and think about the most commonly heard things that should not, under any circumstances, fall under 1st Amendment rights. For instance, those redundant and potentially disgusting things that people blurt out for no reason at all, except maybe just to get attention:

  • "My underwear are stuck up my butt" or any variation of such. No one cares about the state of your underwear unless they're trying to get in them - which I assure you is NOT as many as you may think - and will probably dwindle a whole lot further after THAT statement. The correct thing to do here is to politely excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, and adjust said underwear.
  • "I'm drunk." Again, unless they're trying to get in your pants, no one cares. Besides, it's probably pretty obvious to everyone in the place once you've displaced half your clothes and done the rump shaker on a table to a poorly sung karaoke version of "Cherry Pie."
  • Anything that has to do with your need to use the facilities. This one explains itself.

Then there are the things that come out in the middle of a conversation that make absolutely no sens and make the people you're talking to, as well as everyone within hearing range, wonder if you even realize you're still talking:

  • You can't put a porcupine in a barn and burn it and expect to get lime JELL-O. Wait. That was me... Next.
  • If it hadn't been for my horse, I never would have graduated college. I heard this one from a comedian (George Carlin I think, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong), ironically, while I was flipping through cable stations. I didn't catch the rest of his joke until later, when he said that it's statements like this that plant themselves deep into your brain and make people have aneurysms later in life. Makes sense to me.

And yes, I know - I've written a few of these "Things that will kill our conversation" posts before - but damn it, how many times do I and people like me have to rant and rave about stupidity before someone wakes up and realizes that we just might be talking about them? I know they can read, they all manage to get through those scrolling Star Wars intros... (KIDDING! Don't sue me, George Lucas or hordes of obsessed fans!)

*sigh*

I'm going to pay for this one, I just know it.

Maybe my next post should be about knowing when to shut up...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I'm Baaack...

So I had to get a whole new computer to make it work, but I got my Blogger back... for now, anyway.

Where to start... My divorce got finalized *happy dance* but that means I have to officially change the names on all my accounts. Which wouldn't be a problem, except that I have about a zillion accounts and can't even remember half of them. Yay me. But, once I get this post up, Conspiracy theories will no longer be at the web address http://www.sseigleconspiracies.blogspot.com/, it will be http://www.ctrcmain.blogpot.com/. I have no idea how I'm going to remember every search engine I ever entered this stupid thing into to change everything, but hey - I get rid of the name that is the bane of my existence, and hopefully it will be a little easier to remember.

I started working, at a Head Start here in town ( YIKES! She works with kids, what IS the world coming to???), but no worries - that's why I have blogs like this. I vent all my retarded, angry gibberish here so I don't unwittingly unleash it on an unsuspecting world in person. It's a beautiful thing, really.

That's about all for now, let's hope Blogger can stay functional this time...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Testing...

Okay, either my Blogger or my computer is FUBARed, so I don't know if this will post properly or not...

I've been unable to access my Blogger account for a while - this is the closest I've gotten so far - so I apologize for the lack of posts. I'm trying to get this straightened out, so I'm hoping to get Conspiracy Theories back up soon.
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