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Monday, February 18, 2008

Conspiracy Theory #90 - General Stupidity

Why does Blogger send me an email when I respond to a comment on one of my own posts? Does it think I don't know that I've posted a response? Is it checking to make sure I've thought through my responses so as not to make an ass of myself?

Yea, little late for that.

At any rate, there are countless things in life that never cease to amaze me - America's obsession with spoiled, crazy, rich people; the fact that George W. was actually able to father children; and Will Ferrell's ability to keep making movies - and actually sell them.

What gets me the most though, is the never ending cycle of stupidity I see spewing from everywhere. It's like a bad B horror movie, just when you think you're safe - *WHAM* - Stupid pops up and gives you a big, fat, mental wedgie.

"I see dumb people. They're everywhere - and they don't know they're dumb..."


You guessed it - I've compiled a list of some of the sayings that annoy me most. Why? Because I can.

"The proof's in the pudding." - What the -??? I don't even know what that means. I've been subjected to marathons of Law & Order, and never once have I seen a DA pull a box of instant pudding mix from their little black briefcase and parade it in front of a panel of stunned jurors as Exhibit A - "Here's all the proof you need - PUDDING!" *gasp* *DUH DUH DAAAAH*. "The counsel rests."

I guess there really IS always room for J-E-L-L-O.

"Two wrongs don't make a right." - Umm... DUH. I'm not even going to go into this one. Two wrongs may not make a right, but I hear in San Francisco, 3 lefts do.

"It was in the last place I looked." - Yea, I'm going to take a Carlos Mencia stance here and say, "DEE DEE DEE." Of course it was in the last place you looked, you phucktard, or you'd still be looking. Next time, try looking in the pudding.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat." - Who the *profane* came up with THIS little gem? Was there some crazy person running around at some point skinning cats, eagerly trying new methods, who suddenly had an epiphany that, "Hey, my psychotic habit could be a source of inspiration for people who find a task difficult! If one method doesn't work, never fear - there's more than one way to skin a cat!" If I hear you use this statement, I can and will call FEMA on your crazy ass - after I smack you in the head.

"The exception proves the rule." WHAT? No it doesn't, that's why they call it an exception. Are you still scratching your head? Here, let me clarify -
  • ex·cep·tion [ik-sep-shuhn] noun - something excepted; an instance or case not conforming to the general rule.
You really shouldn't try to use words you can't spell, anyway.

"Don't even get me started." - Thanks for the warning, I won't. Now take your pointless pre-menstrual rant elsewhere, please.

"I could care less." - Really? Then why are you even mentioning it at all? The correct sentiment here is, "I couldn't care less," you mook.

"nucular" - I know, it's not a sentence, but it's one of those mispronunciations that twists my panties so far in a knot that I want to strangle the person that said it with their own stupid shoelaces. Yes, I did just refer to my unmentionables in print, what of it? It's nuclear. NU-KLEE-ER. I'd stock up on dictionaries for Christmas if I thought anyone would actually use them.

"Over yonder" - Before anyone gets their hate mail trigger finger aimed, I want to point out that I live in the South and I fully realize this is a very common colloquialism*, but this term doesn't annoy me as much as it eludes me. It's the descriptive for the location of everything from Bubba's house to the nearest EZ Mart - "It's over yonder, cain't miss it." (Yes, I misspelled that on purpose.) How, for the love of God and all that is Holy, is that going to help ANYONE know any better where something is? Is "yonder" a unit of measurement? Perhaps somewhere between "everwhichaways" and "ovair"? *sigh* I just don't get it.

*I provided a link to the meaning of the word colloquialism, just in case. See? My posts aren't just ramblings of my insanity and annoyances, they also provide valid information. You're welcome.

ANY "PC" Term - By "PC," of course, I mean "politically correct." "So-and-so is 'African American/Italian American/Asian American, blah frickity blah blah-" they're AMERICAN, you closet bigot, get it right. "So-and-so has an 'alternative lifestyle.'" So? So-and-so is GAY - if they can say it, why does it make YOU so stinking uncomfortable? If you're looking for a descriptive, try using their name. You'd be surprised how well that works. If you must bring up their race, sexual preference, religion, or whatever else secretly makes you nervous in each and every conversation to or about them to broadcast how "okay" you are with "their differences," maybe they don't need you as a friend anyway. Go toot your horn elsewhere.

"Bless you." - Again, before anyone gets up in arms, please allow me to explain. You're not God, stop running around "blessing" people. The proper statement here would be, "God bless you." Although, I'm not sure God takes too kindly to orders either, but at least you're giving Him credit for the blessing.

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies." -'re a liar. Thanks for getting that out of the way up front, now I know where we stand.

"Better late than never." - Oh, really? Adopt that attitude at work, I'll be the one laughing at you when you're standing at a stop light with a squeegee and a bucket of water, you lazy, unimaginative bum.

My biggest pet peeve, the thing that makes me grit my teeth and flare my nostrils unattractively, is people who use words completely out of context. Don't laugh, I'm serious. If you don't know what a word means, don't attempt to use it - it just makes you look like an uneducated clod.

...and for any of you smart-alecks out there who think it will be funny to use any or all of these phrases in my presence just to annoy me, I have one thing to say to you - I have bubble wrap, don't make me use it.

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