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Sunday, December 23, 2007

Wishing Everyone a safe and prosporous holiday season!

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Monday, December 17, 2007

So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish

First of all, I bet you're wondering what the title of this post has to do with karaoke. Simple - absolutely nothing, I just think it's funny.

I once heard that the word “karaoke” was Japanese for “tone deaf.” I’ve since learned that it actually means “drunk people singing horribly.” (okay, okay - it REALLY means "empty orchestra," but that's not as funny, now is it?).

My sister is a karaoke jockey at a local small bar, and I’ve been recruited on many occasions to accompany her. I discovered that drunk people LOVE to sing, and the more drinks they’ve had, the less discriminative they are with their selections.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as addicted as the next person to the ability to hold an audience captive despite the quality (or coherentness) of the song, but I seriously think that there should be some strict rules enforced.

To any jockeys or bar owners who may be reading, I propose the following list of rules for your karaoke patrons:

1. Singing “I’m Too Sexy” does not give you license to start taking off articles of clothing;

2. Unless you’re Bobcat Goldthwait, if you don’t know the words and can’t see the screen, PLEASE do not attempt to sing;

3. Under no circumstances should the microphones or microphone cords be held or placed anywhere besides in your hands - oh, and I'd like to propose a 3-inch rule in regards to the distance between the microphone and a person's mouth (and maybe a spit guard?);

4. In the event that you cannot stand on your own, a stool will be provided – USE IT (I know personally that this rule is important, and implement it often);

5. Unless your name is Steve, I will personally, brutally, hurt you if you so much as hum the tune to "Mambo Number Five;"

6. Except in special cases, drinking more than 3 beers should automatically disqualify you from being allowed to sing "The Devil went down to Georgia;"

7. If your sister can't find her chair, please refrain from making her sing anything more complicated than "the Hokey Pokey;"

8. In relation to #7, it's mean to kick a chair out from under someone, even if you catch them. No, it has nothing to do with karaoke, it's just mean. Don't do it.

9. It takes a lot of guts to get up in front of a bar full of people and sing badly. Please be courteous and clap, even if it is a little creepy to hear a muffled "WOO!" from the bathroom.

and lastly:

10. Tip jars aren't just there to contain your gum wrappers, random pocket lint, and beer bottle labels. Tip your DJ's. They're not just there to look pretty and prop up drunks.

In regards to rule number 2, I’ll understand if you don’t use it, because singers that make your ears bleed sell more alcohol. Other than that, I think my list is reasonable.

Thanks for your time. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

**DISCLAIMER: Not all karaoke singers are bad, in fact, I know several who are vey good. It's just funnier to make karaoke out to be a tone-deaf circus of drunks balancing half-hazardly between a wobbly mic stand and a bar stool. Think about it.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Give Me Some Milk, or the Puppy Gets It

Aside from my children now thinking that using the potty is a team sport, my youngest daughter has decided that she should get what she wants, when she wants it - or else.

This isn't entirely uncommon, but let me point out for anyone who doesn't already know that she's 3. She doesn't normally whine or throw a fit, but now that we have a puppy, she's upped her game in a hysterically disturbing way.

I was taking a phone call the other day, convinced (though I should have known better) that my girls were occupied eating their lunches. My youngest daughter very politely asked for some more milk; I told her, in an equally polite way, to wait a minute. She asked again, I told her again to wait; Mommy was on the phone.

After a few more times of her asking (less and less politely each time, I might add), I hear the familiar yelp of the puppy when my daughters try to bear hug him - a big no no both for the puppy's sake, and the fact that they know not to play with the puppy while they're eating - so I tell her to put the dog down.

I don't get the common "Okay, Momma," or the sweet sounding but obviously a lie, "I am, Momma," instead I get, "GIVE ME SOME MILK!"

Apparently now I can add hostage negotiator to my list of personal achievements. I'll just say that my phone call was cut short and I saved the puppy - and my daughter didn't get any more milk for that meal.

Guess Daddy will have to save his action movies for when the girls are sleeping from now on.
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